Stumbling is natural

My life has sort of hit a standstill. Unfortunately, I feel like I keep hitting road blocks in my life at the moment. I am unemployed, & although I am taking myself & job hunting seriously, I feel like at every turn I am finding another road block. It ranges from not having the right paperwork to finding that I am under/overqualified. I don’t know why I am feeling like this.

It’s not only in work either, it’s in my life too. Everytime I feel that I am getting somewhere I feel like I am taking steps backwards. Like with university. I started in September 2009, confident that this was what I wanted to. But then a lot happened over the 2009/10 year, a regression that I am not proud of. Something I don’t want to go into detail about in such a public forum. But it has made face up to a lot that I haven’t been able to face for 8 years.

I felt like I was dealing with it fine, until everything seemed to remind me of it. & before you knew it, I was seeking professional help, in the form of therapy. It just sucks that it took that long for me to see what was going on with my mind & how I was letting something that happened 8 years ago slowly eat away at me.

I learned just how good I was at hiding it. I’d been smiling, when really, all I felt was pain. If you looked at me back then, you wouldn’t have ever known that I had such a pain accumulating on the inside. It has taken 8 years for me to deal with it. & As soon as I felt unable to cope I slipped further back.

I have a huge problem dealing with stress. I don’t know how to handle it. So when I think about what I am going  to do with my life, I just get really wound up & I drive myself crazy. I act on impulse instead of truly planning anything. That needs to change.

& Then I decided to take this year 2010/11 off. I haven’t given up (i.e. dropped out), I have just suspended my studies for the year. So, when I do decide what I want to do, I can go back if I want to.

Recently, I have been constantly thinking about the USA– in particular, Atlanta. I’m not sure why, but I have been dreaming about Atlanta. It’s as though my subconscious is steering me towards Atlanta. I’m not sure what point these dreams have, & it could just be that I feel stuck at the moment & when I was there, I felt that the world was my oyster. I have tried deciphering my dreams, but the more I think about them, the more confused I get.

Reconnecting with people (friends, mainly) from my past may be the root cause of my continuous thoughts & dreams.  But, if that’s the case, it would have happened sooner, right? I have been away from Atlanta for just about 4 years, now. I have had minor thoughts about Atlanta since then, but they were all driven by alterior motives, not because I felt it was the right thing to do.

So what I have decided to do, is to look at this as a sign that I have to figure out what to do next. To do this, I am going to work out what is important to me. I have been in Norwich for just about 3.5 years & I have very few good friends here. Maybe that’s the problem & maybe that’s why I have been dreaming about Atlanta. In Georgia, I had (& still have) such a great network of friends, so maybe that’s what I am missing. I don’t know. I just need to figure out what I want to do next in my life.

Leaving Norwich has it’s own complications, particularly emotional, as my mother lives here & we are building a really strong relationship. If I could just pick her up & drop her where I want her, that would be amazing… but I don’t think I can. LOL. If I won the lottery, that would be a completely different story! LOL.

I am just feeling stuck at the moment. I don’t know what is next for me, but whatever it is, I will think about it completely before making any drastic decisions. Watch this space.

Xx DeterminedCreature xX

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